not weaving an old maids tale

I've been talking, not really, more of complaining. Been thinking it over and over again, flipping through the mental pages till the edges starts to curl, till I could possibly read out my thoughts, as if it came right off from the back of my hand. So many things have been happening recently, I feel like lying on the bed and asking God "where are You?"

Yesterday, I asked C why have we been so damn far apart lately. I've been so pertubed by her actions and answers, trying to rack my brains for a fragment of truth, using all possible counter arguements.

I remembered when last year me and my breastfriend fell out. It just happened, without so much as a reasonable explanation. At that point of time, I was wretched. For the whole time, I tried to appear nonchalant although I dedicated much of my blog posts to her. I tried to rectify the problem but I just couldn't get to the root of it. I felt terrible and I really just wanted to sleep in my bed the whole day, cry to my four walls and prolly soak my pillow dry just because I couldn't bear the scene in front of me. People always have their fear, don't they? But actually, the thing they fear the most, other than their fear, is seeing their fear becoming from fiction to truth. But that's human nature, and human error. They rather deceive themself, or hide whatever is upsetting them rather than to showcase it to the world and let people hurt them over again. They often trick their minds into believing what's good is good, even when the "good" is not so good, just because, doing that makes them feel happy. But that's human, that's us.

This time when it happened again, a silent conversation and a few cliche actions. It got so damned heart-rending. I've always tried to face difficulties with my pet phrases "don't worry, God's got your back" or "things aren't always as bad as they seem, just get past the first hurdle and everything will fall into place" But actually, sometimes when things don't go my way, where a hell lot seems to be impeding my progress, I start to doubt if it's my heartfelt words or I just did it to make me happy. It's always so easy to use a smokescreen, words don't carry their weights anymore.

Actually, to think of it. Which creature on earth is infallible? But to me, so long as we still know of the rationale, to try to fend off history from repeating itself. We're safe and good to go. Cliche?

I'll keep trying to be complaisant, because sometimes, it's just so hard trying to let go, when really, it's never been and never will be the easiest thing to do.